WHAT WE NEED by Penna Dexter

There’s much talk today, even in Christian circles about getting our needs met. A counselor I know asks this question: “Are we a bucket of needs waiting to be filled in order to give to others what God commands we give?”

Many people would never get around to following God’s plan if they were waiting to first get their own felt needs met. In fact, many of what we call needs — much of what we think we really deserve and have got to have — well — these are not really needs. We desire things like love and significance, which, although blessings, are not needs. Often, we’ll find these blessings in relationships like marriages, or friendships. Trouble is, Christians who don’t get all these blessings are told they are needs and to look to Jesus as the “need meeter.” This rings true. But is it?

My psychologist friend, Steve Clay, wants believers to look at this differently and, first, to consider what our real needs are. Certainly we need food and water to live on this earth. We need God’s forgiveness through Christ to live eternally. But what about our psychological and emotional desires? Are they needs? We were created to need other people, but not, (and stick with me here) not necessarily to be loved by them. Steve writes: “we need other people in order to accomplish God’s purposes and most accurately reflect His ultimate glory. This means that we need to love rather than: we must be filled by another’s love.” And conversely, he writes, “To love another is not because they need love, but rather there is a need in us to reflect the character of God in showing love.”

Marriage is a teacher here. A lot of us enter marriage expecting it to meet our needs. And we learn pretty quickly about the ebb and flow that sometimes means you have to give more than you get. Some people lament that they’re mostly on the net giving side. Psychologist Ed Welch says this imbalance is actually scriptural. Philippians 2:3 instructs believers to: “with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” “This doesn’t mean,” writes Dr. Welch, “that we don’t care about being loved; it simply means that we always want to outdo others in love.”

He then asks, “Do we run the risk of a lopsided relationship? Absolutely. That is the relationship we have with God — He always loves first — and most.”

This way of looking at needs helps with another problem many Christians readily admit to having. We’ll confess to being “people-pleasers,” seeing this as, perhaps, a lesser sin. But it’s really idolatry. Dr. Welch asks believers, “Where is our treasure? Our treasure is the admiration of others.” Pleasers seek the approval of other people more than God and that is in the wrong order. Believing saint, you need to seek Him. Then, you’ll reflect His glory.

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